Preparing for Future Madness

WARNING: THIS WAS WRITTEN AFTER ONLY A FEW HOURS SLEEP SO IT MAY NOT MAKE A HILL OF BEANS OF SENSE TO ANYONE BUT ME.

Now that we four kids have the legal right to look after our mother and are no longer at the mercy of her husband, we find ourselves exhaling for what feels like the first time in two years. And, we laugh. We laugh because the absurdity of these most recent months is comic now that the shock and fear and urgency to act are no longer crushing the breath out of us. We laugh because stress and anxiety and tension and uncertainty all demand a release and laughter is better than hysteria. And, to be honest, we cannot always tell the difference. But, mostly we laugh because we are scared, scared of what comes next for Mom and for us.

Our mother was sixteen when she started having children and while we are sure dementia was setting in two years ago, it could have been as early as three. So, if you do the math, the oldest of her kids could be facing dementia in as few as thirteen years. THIRTEEN YEARS! Do not be buffaloed by that “it skips a generation” baloney either because Mom’s mother also suffered from dementia and developed Alzheimer's.

What will my three sons do if I get dementia at 64 or 65?

Scary stuff. Not as scary as my nightmare about waking up in a coffin but still scary stuff.

We have no idea which of Mom's kids, if any, might develop vascular dementia or Alzheimer’s. Maybe all of us. Maybe none of us. Maybe only the girls. Maybe my brother since he is the oldest.

Blueberries. We need to eat more blueberries.

But . . . what if I do start hiding my rolls of toilet paper all over the house? What if I begin to think my grown kids are coming to the house and stealing my shoes? And, what if the voices in my head and the shadows in my vision become my reality?

We all need to talk about things as we get older but with the threat of memory loss hanging over heads, it is imperative to:

1. Talk to our families and tell them what we want. Nursing homes, assisted living centers, retirement centers, independent living, castle in the back yard with a bat-pole, etc
2. Look into life insurance and burial plans. I want to be buried with a live cell phone that has a portable hot spot. You know, just in case that coffin nightmare is a premonition.
3. Make sure our family has photocopies of our drivers' license, social security, and insurance cards in cases of emergency. Thank goodness I copied my mother's ID and insurance cards two years ago because her husband has still not turned them over to us. 
4. Once we tell everyone where we want to live, how are we going to pay for it? Do we have IRA's and retirement funds that will pay for it? My kids need to thank their grandmother because up until we daughters had to find a way for her to live on $1800 per month, I thought I would just blow through all our money and if there was no money to pay for my care when I was finger painting with my own poop, who cares? It's not like I would know the difference. 
5. Consider long-term care insurance to cover the cost of private care (memory care is expensive) and our own income/savings/social security/medicaid may not cover it and I do NOT want to live in my son's converted garage especially since he may forget it's a converted garage and park his Honda in front of my giant flat screen and I do not have a lot of faith that any of them will build me that castle in the back yard. Or the bat-pole.
6. Execute a Last Will and Testament and make sure our kids and spouses know where the executed document is and what it contains. I'm not doing one of those surprise readings like in television where the attorney announces who gets the Rolls Royce and who gets the Bentley. My three sons will all know ahead of time that what's left of my estate will be split 80/10/10 depending on which kid sucked up to me the most during my lucid years. Or a sack race. I have not decided yet.
7. Do we want to include a declaration of guardianship in the Will should it become necessary later? I may need to keep this part a secret from my sons. None of them may want to take on this daunting responsibility.
8. Do we want a Living Will that discusses choices we want made on our behalf should we be unable to make them or will those decisions be left up to our families? Yes, because I want to be an organ donor but only if after THREE DAYS there is no answer on that cell phone.
9. Execute medical and durable powers of attorney so our kids can make us go to the doctor when we start going to the mailbox in our birthday suits.
10. Find a safe accessible place (safe deposit box, fireproof file cabinet) for all critical documents like insurance policies, our Will , powers of attorney, and records our family will need in the event of our incapacitation or death because, otherwise, we will hide these documents in hat boxes and refrigerator drawers and hey, that's not a half bad idea because if the attorney is reading a Last Will and Testament that's been in a drawer full of onions, everyone in the room will be crying and I'll look very popular.
11. Talk to an attorney about our specific financial situation to see if there are other business issues we need to resolve because we, ourselves, are not attorneys. Well, unless we talk to my nephew who actually is an attorney.
12. Get regular check-ups and be receptive to preventive care and treatments. (Missy, this means you really should consider getting one of those V-Steams with me. . .)

And that's about all we can do.

And eat blueberries.

One day, my mother wanted to know why I stole the gold flatware that her friend had given her to hide until she needed to use it to fund her escape from Afghanistan. As a writer, I make up stories. But I sure hope, hope, hope that if I lose my wits and live in my imagination, it's a world of dragons and fairies and pirate ships and mermaids, NOT wars in Afghanistan.